Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Flipkart announces flash sale of New Year Resolutions

As per the latest developments, Flipkart, India's largest online retailer has announced a flash sale of New Year Resolutions. A market analyst (on condition of anonymity, ofcourse) hailed the move and said that "This is really a great initiative by Flipkart. Having New Year Resolutions is a cool thing for today's youth and has a mass appeal. However, the youth is tired of the same old resolutions like I will start exercising, I will quit smoking, etc. They want something new. With a player like Flipkart entering this segment, they are bound to get a lot of options".

Flipkart and OLX partnering for New Year Resolutions Sale. Image source: This page

When asked about how exactly this is going to work, a spokesperson for Flipkart said, "This is very simple. You have to register for the flash sale before 11pm on 31st December. The sale will start at the stroke of midnight and the lucky ones will get to buy the resolutions." The spokesperson refused to divulge any more information and added that "The details like the products and service offerings and the pricings will be declared at midnight. Please register and see for yourself".

During Flipkart's previous sale, many people were dissatisfied as they could not get the deals of their choice. When asked about how this has been addressed, the spokesperson clarified that "This won't be a problem this time. I agree that we have not made any significant improvements to our server's capabilities, but we have other plans. New Year's Resolutions are anyways thrown away after a few days or may be weeks. We have partnered with OLX so that people who no more want to keep their New Years Resolutions can sell them to others".

It has been learnt that the Government has partnered with Flipkart to sell "Swachh Bharat Abhiyaan" and "Make in India" initiatives through the flash sale. They also plan to sell patriotism during the Republic Day.

While filing this report, over 10 million people had already registered on Flipkart for the flash sale. Hurry up and do not lose the opportunity.

P.S. This article can be found on Faking News here.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Corners in Government buildings declared UNESCO World Heritage Sites

As per the latest developments on WhatsApp, India's leading rumour news broadcasting service, the corners in various commercial complexes and Government buildings in India have been declared as UNESCO World Heritage Sites. This was confirmed when this reporter received a message that read "Good News! All the corners in the commercial complexes and Government buildings in India have been declared as UNESCO World Heritage Sites for their unique red coloured spit patterns. Proud to be an Indian! Pass on the message if you truly love your country!"

One of the unique pieces of art. Image source : This page
Pandu Hawaldar (name changed for no particular reason), a security guard at National Bank of India seemed visibly elated. "I am proud that my efforts have finally borne fruits. I have been spitting all over this place for years creating various unique patterns, but no one ever noticed. This news however is a testimony to the contributions that I and others like me have made to this country. Achchhe din are finally here. I would like to thank Manikchand and Goa for making this possible. Now I can retire happily”.

When asked about the importance of this news, Mr. Puranik, an official of Archaeological Survey of India said, “This is really great! The heritage of our country is finally being recognized at a global level. We have been preserving this art for many years. It is worth noticing that there are millions of such spit patterns and each pattern is unique. The 1444 unique pillars of Ranakpur temple in Rajasthan seem nothing in comparison to this. We are planning to hold workshops to educate people about various ways of spitting so that this art is not lost to modernisation”.

“This is a sign of Unity in Diversity and Communal Harmony that our Government has been working on for past 60 years. People from all strata including the rich and poor, businessmen and farmers, Hindus, Muslims and Dalits, everyone has participated in this. But the current ruling party is trying to destroy this rich heritage in the name of Swachh Bharat Abhiyaan. The installation of photos of various Gods and Goddesses at many such corners in the name of cleanliness is actually a plot to promote Hinduism and divide the nation on communal lines”, said an angry senior member of the opposition party on condition of anonymity.

Taking cue from this development, various municipal corporations in India were contemplating to suggest the pothole ridden roads for the World Heritage tag. “Even we have preserved the pot holes for ages. Why should they not be considered? We have to hurry up before the Government destroys them in the name of development”, said a municipal commissioner of a metro city, with a hint of urgency.

Meanwhile, no UNESCO officials were available for comments. But this is insignificant as WhatsApp has been officially accepted as a credible source of information.

P.S. This article can be found on Faking News here.